Hybrid Cars – Twice the Manliness

Many guys out there try to increase their man-factor by souping up oversized trucks, turning them into tanks sitting on 80 inch black donuts with extra tread. While it is truly manly to have a panzer with an XL flatbed so you can throw a king-sized mattress in it for baby-makin’ on the go, there is an alternative vehicle out there on the other end of the spectrum that’s just as manly. The butt of many jokes, Hybrid cars have begun to surface as quite the macho-mobile that can hold it’s own. The good news is these bad boys are still improving and with any luck they’ll be dominating the market putting all the other scrawny automobiles to shame.

So what makes this tiny package so manly? Well the answer is in the name. Any car that boasts not one but two fuel alternatives is manly in my book! This little guy offers big things in a small package. When crappy combustible engine cars only go till they hit E, the hybrid says “screw you, wieners! I got places to be!” switches to electric and keeps on cruisin’.

The biggest advantage to driving a hybrid is they are environmentally friendly. Now you might be wondering “is it manly to save the planet? Shouldn’t we be annihilating it with our bare hands and shouting praises of self satisfaction while dissing Mother Nature for being such a wimpy chump?”

Well…yes we should but if we did destroy the Earth we would have to live in space.

And, as cool as sports would be with no gravity, you would get pretty tired of eating dehydrated steaks and flying into black holes all the time. So we have to let nature live. Hybrid cars just help us to do that.

Let us not forget the effect being environmentally conscious has on hot hippie chicks. With one of these vehicles you’ll be swimming in granola girls in no time! They’ll be like “ooh, you care about the environment too?! Can you drive me to my yoga class?” and you’ll be like “Oh, I see how it is! Back then didn’t want me! Now I got a hybrid, ya all on me! Fine! Hop in, but take your dirty sandals off before you climb into this ride, sweet cheeks!”

So, before you scoff at some joe-blow for travelling around in a hybrid just remember that he’s got 2 instead of 1, and as we know having two of anything makes you much more manly. Seems to me like he’s got a couple reasons to be smug.

08

04 2010

Beef Jerky: Sustenance from the Gods

There are tons of foods that mankind can mash up with his iron jaws every day. With our powerful globalized takeover of the world we’re now able to have a vast menu of cultural dining options on every corner. Each delectable bite can come from anywhere around the world. But oh how naïve we are not to see that the most flavorsome treat in existence was right here all along!

Beef Jerky comes in its many dehydrated forms, daring us to chew it into mush with its brittle yet malleable body. Made from the carcass of puny animals who sit fear beneath us on the food triangle, beef jerky’s gluten-protein enriched body lines our ribs with muscle and fills us with the energy we men need to drive four-wheelers and consistently kick ass.

The added bonus to this manly meat is its delicious juices that sit, marinating inside its collagen casing. This nectar of the gods tingles our teeth and gums with its sodium nitrate and liquid smoke combination, giving us that just-so heavy feeling, so we know we ate an inferior filthy beast.

Some say that Native American tribes first invented this scrumptious chow by channeling the entity of their ancient spiritual animals and then slaughtering them so they could turn them into a sacred jerky snack! What’s manlier than eating your own power animal? Nothing! Because once a holy creature gets dehydrated nothing can beat it that just-so cured flavor. The origins of Jerky are as believable as its little snack stick-body sweating orange grease in your palm. That is to say IT TOTALLY HAPPENED.

There are new inventions in the world of jerky technology too. Innovative game techniques have been created that now allow us casual barbarians to select their own type of animal and then hunt it down and jerky it ourselves. Because, as we all know, anytime you prepare your own feast you earn an extra 100 points in the Man-Handbook and an extra 50 points for sucking all of the water out of it, because who needs freakin’ H2O?!

Sissies!
That’s who!

Next time you’re in the mood to “step into a slim jim” and your wifey jumps all over you saying it’s “bad” for your “health” just be reminded that if it’s good enough for Indians and the Macho Man then it’s good enough for us mortal men too. Tell her that statically 95% of beef jerky eaters live to be over the age of 85. She’ll believe you because men are good with numbers and nothing should get between you and the succulent taste of cured meats.

02

04 2010

Chuck Norris – More than Man!

Let’s get something straight. Chuck Norris has achieved quite possibly more fame and notoriety for his outright manliness than any other guy in the universe. We should all be bowing down at his feet. That is, if we weren’t so afraid he would kick us right in the kisser for tryin’ to get gay with him!

After more than 40 years in the spotlight Norris has proven time and again that he is quite simply more than a man. Many books, web pages, and facebook profiles have been set up to chronicle this monolith of a man’s achievements. While some may read these accounts and laugh one should be reminded that all of them are quite true. For instance:

Chuck Norris did count to infinity twice.

He did, in fact, roundhouse kick his own doctor when he was born. In his defense the doctor was trying to slap him.

And yes, he’s probably your real father (a truth that your mother has kept a dark secret for all these years).

Any attempts to refute these stories have led to dismal failure. After all, Norris was blessed with extraordinary powers, and we might never know where he got them from. Some say aliens! Some say God used his own DNA to create super-being in order to fight off evil! The stories are all clouded in myth. Although Norris boastfully showcases his manliness every chance he gets, many who have witnessed them personally have not lived to tell the tale. Those who did escape with some of their limbs intact are too afraid to go public.

Some say that Mr. Man actually assassinated the director Bruce Lee after he starred in a little film called Way of the Dragon. Norris was so pissed that his character dies that he exacted revenge on Lee, stating that even though he understood the need for fantasy in movies he wouldn’t be part of absurdity!

Since he crash landed into this world he has made reality far more entertaining. Norris has drop-kicked evolutionary theory out of textbooks, made-out with your sister, and regularly eats a hearty breakfast with Jesus every Sunday. If there is something manly that he hasn’t done yet, rest assured that he’s simply trying not to blow your mind by multi-tasking at break-neck speeds.

So bow your head, lowly dweebs, and pay homage to the most feared, the most sexiest, and the most mind-blowing man in existence! Carlos “The Chuck” Norris!

29

03 2010

Vegetables and Salads – Diary of a Wimpy Dude

In my search for all things masculine I came across an article A Dude Explains Why Salad is ‘man food’ by a Mr. John DeVore who claims he has discovered the new way to eat. This so called “man” has decided to decree that his manliness is attributed to eating “salads”.

Salads, people!

Salads…!!!!

Now, since I only eat raw animal meat and fried bacon at every meal like a true male I had to do some research in order to find out what he was talking about. After I typed “salad” into a search engine I was horrified at what I found!

Apparently living off of Mother Nature doesn’t mean the same to him that it means to me. I would suggest discontinue reading any further for fear that you might have become severely depressed at this guy’s actions, but I don’t have “fear” and nobody who reads this blog gets “depressed” (whatever that means). So we shall continue bravely.

Even in the face of ridicule from his buddies for not eating “man-food” he chomps down on… *sigh* …vegetables in order to feel healthy and lose weight.

Readers, I am conflicted.

On one hand, this guy is choosing to change his dietary habits to match that of a rabbit (instead of eating said rabbit in a thick n’ hearty stew). On the other hand, he’s so manly that he has the audacity to present himself as an independent from the pack and stand proudly doing it, which, in some ways, is even manlier because he’s choosing to be a leader instead of a follower. Hey, I never said the rules of Man were simple!

While he makes outrageous claims that “man-food” made of “butter-soaked pancakes” and “pots of napalm-hot chili” aren’t what doctors might call “healthy”, we must applaud his ability to boldly progress into the foreign territory of digestion. DeVore claims that his new lifestyle choice has not turned him into a sissy but into quite the lady lover, as his loss of weight and healthy sexual appetite has replaced his appetite for a double bison burger.

I don’t know if I buy such an outlandish statement because we all know how some men exaggerate their accomplishments. I, however, am always looking for new ways to increase my ability to tame the wild beast that is the female species. And if salads can turn you into a sexual tiger then maybe this DeVore guy has made quite a discovery, even if it does come from the vegetable garden.

In conclusion, we should consider taking this dude’s advice and munch on some carrot sticks. I guess even a wimp can be a tough rough and musky man-bear sometimes. Just indulge in some serious meat mastication every once in a while to remind yourself that you still got a pair! And put some BBQ sauce on it!!!!

24

03 2010

Wedgies and Atomic Wedgies

There are times when we must confront even our fellow man in order to establish dominance. Of course, this doesn’t always mean complete and utter annihilation. Like the growling of a panther or the snapping of a crab’s claw it’s simply a method to remind the naysayers that you are in charge and they better know their role.

As men we choose to adapt a more civilized method of admonition: The Wedgie

This powerful exercise must be done with stealth-like accuracy as you rush your fellow buddies in order to forcefully constrict their underwear out of their pants and up their weak and unsuspecting crack. Their howls of impotence will no doubt serve as a calling to other brethren that you have once again reinforced your stronghold as supreme ruler of the pack.

While many wedgies can be performed solo, sometimes the group method approach can be an even more effective form of suppressing an ego-uprising. The infinity of brawny hands grasping at one’s undergarments can be just what you need to scare them back into inferiority. They will plea and bargain but don’t let their sniveling baby sounds turn you into a weakling too.

Once all hands are on deck let the tugging commence!

The jostling of their body as it’s suspended off the ground by thin threads ravishing their nether-regions like some kind of hellish carnival ride gone wrong will have them weeping in lament. The laughter of their peers will haunt their memories for years to come and you can rest assured that their place as #2 will be cemented.

Atomic Wedgies are considered an upgrade in the wedgie attack development. Although a rare occurrence, if a man, caught in the throes of governance, can muster up the muscle he can successfully place the waistband over his victim’s head, ensuring a flawless victory. The Atomic Wedgie can be quite brutal in its execution, sometimes resulting in the decimation of the underwear itself.

You might feel twinges of regret as you perform these variations of shame upon your fellow man. He will beg and plea for you to stop but you must press on! The Wedgie is an act of supremacy that we have been performing since we were cavemen yanking loin cloths up some poor unsuspecting soul as he de-evolves into a puss-a-saurus.

Just remind yourself that when you’re done relocating their underpants they can keep the tattered remains as a souvenir of defeat.

19

03 2010