Archive for March, 2010

Chuck Norris – More than Man!

Let’s get something straight. Chuck Norris has achieved quite possibly more fame and notoriety for his outright manliness than any other guy in the universe. We should all be bowing down at his feet. That is, if we weren’t so afraid he would kick us right in the kisser for tryin’ to get gay with him!

After more than 40 years in the spotlight Norris has proven time and again that he is quite simply more than a man. Many books, web pages, and facebook profiles have been set up to chronicle this monolith of a man’s achievements. While some may read these accounts and laugh one should be reminded that all of them are quite true. For instance:

Chuck Norris did count to infinity twice.

He did, in fact, roundhouse kick his own doctor when he was born. In his defense the doctor was trying to slap him.

And yes, he’s probably your real father (a truth that your mother has kept a dark secret for all these years).

Any attempts to refute these stories have led to dismal failure. After all, Norris was blessed with extraordinary powers, and we might never know where he got them from. Some say aliens! Some say God used his own DNA to create super-being in order to fight off evil! The stories are all clouded in myth. Although Norris boastfully showcases his manliness every chance he gets, many who have witnessed them personally have not lived to tell the tale. Those who did escape with some of their limbs intact are too afraid to go public.

Some say that Mr. Man actually assassinated the director Bruce Lee after he starred in a little film called Way of the Dragon. Norris was so pissed that his character dies that he exacted revenge on Lee, stating that even though he understood the need for fantasy in movies he wouldn’t be part of absurdity!

Since he crash landed into this world he has made reality far more entertaining. Norris has drop-kicked evolutionary theory out of textbooks, made-out with your sister, and regularly eats a hearty breakfast with Jesus every Sunday. If there is something manly that he hasn’t done yet, rest assured that he’s simply trying not to blow your mind by multi-tasking at break-neck speeds.

So bow your head, lowly dweebs, and pay homage to the most feared, the most sexiest, and the most mind-blowing man in existence! Carlos “The Chuck” Norris!

29

03 2010

Vegetables and Salads – Diary of a Wimpy Dude

In my search for all things masculine I came across an article A Dude Explains Why Salad is ‘man food’ by a Mr. John DeVore who claims he has discovered the new way to eat. This so called “man” has decided to decree that his manliness is attributed to eating “salads”.

Salads, people!

Salads…!!!!

Now, since I only eat raw animal meat and fried bacon at every meal like a true male I had to do some research in order to find out what he was talking about. After I typed “salad” into a search engine I was horrified at what I found!

Apparently living off of Mother Nature doesn’t mean the same to him that it means to me. I would suggest discontinue reading any further for fear that you might have become severely depressed at this guy’s actions, but I don’t have “fear” and nobody who reads this blog gets “depressed” (whatever that means). So we shall continue bravely.

Even in the face of ridicule from his buddies for not eating “man-food” he chomps down on… *sigh* …vegetables in order to feel healthy and lose weight.

Readers, I am conflicted.

On one hand, this guy is choosing to change his dietary habits to match that of a rabbit (instead of eating said rabbit in a thick n’ hearty stew). On the other hand, he’s so manly that he has the audacity to present himself as an independent from the pack and stand proudly doing it, which, in some ways, is even manlier because he’s choosing to be a leader instead of a follower. Hey, I never said the rules of Man were simple!

While he makes outrageous claims that “man-food” made of “butter-soaked pancakes” and “pots of napalm-hot chili” aren’t what doctors might call “healthy”, we must applaud his ability to boldly progress into the foreign territory of digestion. DeVore claims that his new lifestyle choice has not turned him into a sissy but into quite the lady lover, as his loss of weight and healthy sexual appetite has replaced his appetite for a double bison burger.

I don’t know if I buy such an outlandish statement because we all know how some men exaggerate their accomplishments. I, however, am always looking for new ways to increase my ability to tame the wild beast that is the female species. And if salads can turn you into a sexual tiger then maybe this DeVore guy has made quite a discovery, even if it does come from the vegetable garden.

In conclusion, we should consider taking this dude’s advice and munch on some carrot sticks. I guess even a wimp can be a tough rough and musky man-bear sometimes. Just indulge in some serious meat mastication every once in a while to remind yourself that you still got a pair! And put some BBQ sauce on it!!!!

24

03 2010

Wedgies and Atomic Wedgies

There are times when we must confront even our fellow man in order to establish dominance. Of course, this doesn’t always mean complete and utter annihilation. Like the growling of a panther or the snapping of a crab’s claw it’s simply a method to remind the naysayers that you are in charge and they better know their role.

As men we choose to adapt a more civilized method of admonition: The Wedgie

This powerful exercise must be done with stealth-like accuracy as you rush your fellow buddies in order to forcefully constrict their underwear out of their pants and up their weak and unsuspecting crack. Their howls of impotence will no doubt serve as a calling to other brethren that you have once again reinforced your stronghold as supreme ruler of the pack.

While many wedgies can be performed solo, sometimes the group method approach can be an even more effective form of suppressing an ego-uprising. The infinity of brawny hands grasping at one’s undergarments can be just what you need to scare them back into inferiority. They will plea and bargain but don’t let their sniveling baby sounds turn you into a weakling too.

Once all hands are on deck let the tugging commence!

The jostling of their body as it’s suspended off the ground by thin threads ravishing their nether-regions like some kind of hellish carnival ride gone wrong will have them weeping in lament. The laughter of their peers will haunt their memories for years to come and you can rest assured that their place as #2 will be cemented.

Atomic Wedgies are considered an upgrade in the wedgie attack development. Although a rare occurrence, if a man, caught in the throes of governance, can muster up the muscle he can successfully place the waistband over his victim’s head, ensuring a flawless victory. The Atomic Wedgie can be quite brutal in its execution, sometimes resulting in the decimation of the underwear itself.

You might feel twinges of regret as you perform these variations of shame upon your fellow man. He will beg and plea for you to stop but you must press on! The Wedgie is an act of supremacy that we have been performing since we were cavemen yanking loin cloths up some poor unsuspecting soul as he de-evolves into a puss-a-saurus.

Just remind yourself that when you’re done relocating their underpants they can keep the tattered remains as a souvenir of defeat.

19

03 2010

Denim, Jeans, and Dungarees: The Manliest of Fabrics!!

So you think you’re a Man huh? I guess the only thing to do is ask yourself 3 questions:

  1. Have you held on tight to your fellow brother-in-arms as you’ve cruised down the vast stretches of American highway with the sweet tune of a motorcycle engine shredding your ears?!

  2. Have you ever been worn down to a faded version of your former self due to rubbing against a leather saddle as you and your wingman rope in little doggies on the open planes of the wild west?!

  3. Have you ever been studded with metal spikes and strutted across a stage like a proud peacock in front of thousands of lustful lady-fans while teased aqua net hair graces your shoulders?!

You probably answered “No” to every one of these because you are a wuss-pie.

That…and because you’re not made of the manliest fabric in the entire universe: Denim!

Today we salute the most popular fabric that makes up the unabashed manliness adorning humanity’s casual dress code.

Denim proudly boasts the most popular and durable fabric ever made! Its powerful cotton twill textile screams at every rugged challenge, “Kiss my ass! I’ve been around since the 17th Century, and I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!”

From Mom’s sporting over-the-belly-button Faded Glories to our ax-wielding super heroes known as Lumberjacks, Mr. Indigo binds the world together through fashion and durability guaranteeing ultimate comfort without losing its Y chromosome.

Denim is so manly that even when other puny “trousers” have to be trashed due to a squatting incident or because you used your knees as skis while attached to a moving pick-up truck in some bizarre courting ritual, it wears its destruction proudly. In a brazen bout of man-thinking, Denim even sports its tattered remains as a fashion-forward statement of style. Man, that’s manly!

By now you’re probably asking yourself 2 new questions:

  1. How can a fabric be so cool?!
  2. How can I be as cool as Denim?

Answers:

1. When you’re so awesome that you primarily come in one color then make that color Blue (the most male-related hue there is) maybe then you’ll have an understanding of how macho denim can be.

2. When a jean company gives you a catch phrase like “Can’t Bust’em” then maybe you too can be as rough, tough, and badass as Denim Jeans.

16

03 2010

1985 Camaro VS. a T-Rex

Fights are inevitable. Whether you’re standing your ground and protecting your pack or you’re just feeling randy for a bar brawl, if you’re not a wimp, you’ve probably engaged in fisticuffs with some poor sapling who thought he could defeat you. Battling for that #1 spot is an unavoidable occurrence in Mother Nature.

The food chain works like an NCAA tournament bracket. Everything (living or inanimate) is always duking it out to vie for the chance to confront the one decisive ruler: Man. While they will all inevitably lose, it’s fun to asses which creatures would advance farther than others, if for nothing more than our pure amusement.

Today we present two terrifying, albeit inadequate, adversaries:

a 1985 Camaro VS. a T-Rex

T-Rex – Even though his name translates to “Tyrant King” we can overlook his overly- ambitious nomenclature and talk stats. This little guy stands at 20 ft. tall with a 43 ft. length, weighing in at 6.8 tons. In proper manly form, he is a carnivorous predator with a healthy set of heterodontic knives for teeth so that smaller helpless creatures don’t just get eaten but are taught a lesson in consummation prior to swallowing!

’85 Camaro – This muscle car has not only been the supreme choice of white trash America for decades but in some ways embodies the pure definition of macho with its throttle body fuel injection, Turbo-Hydramatic 700R4 four-speed automatic transmissions, and five-speed manual transmissions. It’s also worth mentioning its hatchback body structure gives a stern warning to 3rd-wheelers that there’s no room available except for you (the driver) and a sweet lady-friend riding shotgun. Lastly, this bad boy can smoke its opponents going 0 to 60 in 5.8 seconds in a race. That’s a pretty fast ride.

While the ’85 Camaro is a definite chick magnet, it’s hard to drive a fine lady to make-out point and blasting some KISS to set the mood when your 16-inch Z rated tires have been chewed off and spit out like bubble gum by a Cretaceous beast! Mr. Camaro also loses points for reaching high speeds because a real man doesn’t run away from a fight! Sometimes being a lover instead of a fighter just doesn’t work in your favor.

Winner: T-freakin’-Rex!

10

03 2010