Archive for April, 2010

Hybrid Cars – Twice the Manliness

Many guys out there try to increase their man-factor by souping up oversized trucks, turning them into tanks sitting on 80 inch black donuts with extra tread. While it is truly manly to have a panzer with an XL flatbed so you can throw a king-sized mattress in it for baby-makin’ on the go, there is an alternative vehicle out there on the other end of the spectrum that’s just as manly. The butt of many jokes, Hybrid cars have begun to surface as quite the macho-mobile that can hold it’s own. The good news is these bad boys are still improving and with any luck they’ll be dominating the market putting all the other scrawny automobiles to shame.

So what makes this tiny package so manly? Well the answer is in the name. Any car that boasts not one but two fuel alternatives is manly in my book! This little guy offers big things in a small package. When crappy combustible engine cars only go till they hit E, the hybrid says “screw you, wieners! I got places to be!” switches to electric and keeps on cruisin’.

The biggest advantage to driving a hybrid is they are environmentally friendly. Now you might be wondering “is it manly to save the planet? Shouldn’t we be annihilating it with our bare hands and shouting praises of self satisfaction while dissing Mother Nature for being such a wimpy chump?”

Well…yes we should but if we did destroy the Earth we would have to live in space.

And, as cool as sports would be with no gravity, you would get pretty tired of eating dehydrated steaks and flying into black holes all the time. So we have to let nature live. Hybrid cars just help us to do that.

Let us not forget the effect being environmentally conscious has on hot hippie chicks. With one of these vehicles you’ll be swimming in granola girls in no time! They’ll be like “ooh, you care about the environment too?! Can you drive me to my yoga class?” and you’ll be like “Oh, I see how it is! Back then didn’t want me! Now I got a hybrid, ya all on me! Fine! Hop in, but take your dirty sandals off before you climb into this ride, sweet cheeks!”

So, before you scoff at some joe-blow for travelling around in a hybrid just remember that he’s got 2 instead of 1, and as we know having two of anything makes you much more manly. Seems to me like he’s got a couple reasons to be smug.

08

04 2010

Beef Jerky: Sustenance from the Gods

There are tons of foods that mankind can mash up with his iron jaws every day. With our powerful globalized takeover of the world we’re now able to have a vast menu of cultural dining options on every corner. Each delectable bite can come from anywhere around the world. But oh how naïve we are not to see that the most flavorsome treat in existence was right here all along!

Beef Jerky comes in its many dehydrated forms, daring us to chew it into mush with its brittle yet malleable body. Made from the carcass of puny animals who sit fear beneath us on the food triangle, beef jerky’s gluten-protein enriched body lines our ribs with muscle and fills us with the energy we men need to drive four-wheelers and consistently kick ass.

The added bonus to this manly meat is its delicious juices that sit, marinating inside its collagen casing. This nectar of the gods tingles our teeth and gums with its sodium nitrate and liquid smoke combination, giving us that just-so heavy feeling, so we know we ate an inferior filthy beast.

Some say that Native American tribes first invented this scrumptious chow by channeling the entity of their ancient spiritual animals and then slaughtering them so they could turn them into a sacred jerky snack! What’s manlier than eating your own power animal? Nothing! Because once a holy creature gets dehydrated nothing can beat it that just-so cured flavor. The origins of Jerky are as believable as its little snack stick-body sweating orange grease in your palm. That is to say IT TOTALLY HAPPENED.

There are new inventions in the world of jerky technology too. Innovative game techniques have been created that now allow us casual barbarians to select their own type of animal and then hunt it down and jerky it ourselves. Because, as we all know, anytime you prepare your own feast you earn an extra 100 points in the Man-Handbook and an extra 50 points for sucking all of the water out of it, because who needs freakin’ H2O?!

Sissies!
That’s who!

Next time you’re in the mood to “step into a slim jim” and your wifey jumps all over you saying it’s “bad” for your “health” just be reminded that if it’s good enough for Indians and the Macho Man then it’s good enough for us mortal men too. Tell her that statically 95% of beef jerky eaters live to be over the age of 85. She’ll believe you because men are good with numbers and nothing should get between you and the succulent taste of cured meats.

02

04 2010