Chuck Norris – More than Man!

Let’s get something straight. Chuck Norris has achieved quite possibly more fame and notoriety for his outright manliness than any other guy in the universe. We should all be bowing down at his feet. That is, if we weren’t so afraid he would kick us right in the kisser for tryin’ to get gay with him!

After more than 40 years in the spotlight Norris has proven time and again that he is quite simply more than a man. Many books, web pages, and facebook profiles have been set up to chronicle this monolith of a man’s achievements. While some may read these accounts and laugh one should be reminded that all of them are quite true. For instance:

Chuck Norris did count to infinity twice.

He did, in fact, roundhouse kick his own doctor when he was born. In his defense the doctor was trying to slap him.

And yes, he’s probably your real father (a truth that your mother has kept a dark secret for all these years).

Any attempts to refute these stories have led to dismal failure. After all, Norris was blessed with extraordinary powers, and we might never know where he got them from. Some say aliens! Some say God used his own DNA to create super-being in order to fight off evil! The stories are all clouded in myth. Although Norris boastfully showcases his manliness every chance he gets, many who have witnessed them personally have not lived to tell the tale. Those who did escape with some of their limbs intact are too afraid to go public.

Some say that Mr. Man actually assassinated the director Bruce Lee after he starred in a little film called Way of the Dragon. Norris was so pissed that his character dies that he exacted revenge on Lee, stating that even though he understood the need for fantasy in movies he wouldn’t be part of absurdity!

Since he crash landed into this world he has made reality far more entertaining. Norris has drop-kicked evolutionary theory out of textbooks, made-out with your sister, and regularly eats a hearty breakfast with Jesus every Sunday. If there is something manly that he hasn’t done yet, rest assured that he’s simply trying not to blow your mind by multi-tasking at break-neck speeds.

So bow your head, lowly dweebs, and pay homage to the most feared, the most sexiest, and the most mind-blowing man in existence! Carlos “The Chuck” Norris!

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Curtis Lacombe

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03 2010

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