Beef Jerky: Sustenance from the Gods

There are tons of foods that mankind can mash up with his iron jaws every day. With our powerful globalized takeover of the world we’re now able to have a vast menu of cultural dining options on every corner. Each delectable bite can come from anywhere around the world. But oh how naïve we are not to see that the most flavorsome treat in existence was right here all along!

Beef Jerky comes in its many dehydrated forms, daring us to chew it into mush with its brittle yet malleable body. Made from the carcass of puny animals who sit fear beneath us on the food triangle, beef jerky’s gluten-protein enriched body lines our ribs with muscle and fills us with the energy we men need to drive four-wheelers and consistently kick ass.

The added bonus to this manly meat is its delicious juices that sit, marinating inside its collagen casing. This nectar of the gods tingles our teeth and gums with its sodium nitrate and liquid smoke combination, giving us that just-so heavy feeling, so we know we ate an inferior filthy beast.

Some say that Native American tribes first invented this scrumptious chow by channeling the entity of their ancient spiritual animals and then slaughtering them so they could turn them into a sacred jerky snack! What’s manlier than eating your own power animal? Nothing! Because once a holy creature gets dehydrated nothing can beat it that just-so cured flavor. The origins of Jerky are as believable as its little snack stick-body sweating orange grease in your palm. That is to say IT TOTALLY HAPPENED.

There are new inventions in the world of jerky technology too. Innovative game techniques have been created that now allow us casual barbarians to select their own type of animal and then hunt it down and jerky it ourselves. Because, as we all know, anytime you prepare your own feast you earn an extra 100 points in the Man-Handbook and an extra 50 points for sucking all of the water out of it, because who needs freakin’ H2O?!

Sissies!
That’s who!

Next time you’re in the mood to “step into a slim jim” and your wifey jumps all over you saying it’s “bad” for your “health” just be reminded that if it’s good enough for Indians and the Macho Man then it’s good enough for us mortal men too. Tell her that statically 95% of beef jerky eaters live to be over the age of 85. She’ll believe you because men are good with numbers and nothing should get between you and the succulent taste of cured meats.

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Curtis Lacombe

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04 2010

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