Denim, Jeans, and Dungarees: The Manliest of Fabrics!!

So you think you’re a Man huh? I guess the only thing to do is ask yourself 3 questions:

  1. Have you held on tight to your fellow brother-in-arms as you’ve cruised down the vast stretches of American highway with the sweet tune of a motorcycle engine shredding your ears?!

  2. Have you ever been worn down to a faded version of your former self due to rubbing against a leather saddle as you and your wingman rope in little doggies on the open planes of the wild west?!

  3. Have you ever been studded with metal spikes and strutted across a stage like a proud peacock in front of thousands of lustful lady-fans while teased aqua net hair graces your shoulders?!

You probably answered “No” to every one of these because you are a wuss-pie.

That…and because you’re not made of the manliest fabric in the entire universe: Denim!

Today we salute the most popular fabric that makes up the unabashed manliness adorning humanity’s casual dress code.

Denim proudly boasts the most popular and durable fabric ever made! Its powerful cotton twill textile screams at every rugged challenge, “Kiss my ass! I’ve been around since the 17th Century, and I ain’t goin’ NO WHERE!!!”

From Mom’s sporting over-the-belly-button Faded Glories to our ax-wielding super heroes known as Lumberjacks, Mr. Indigo binds the world together through fashion and durability guaranteeing ultimate comfort without losing its Y chromosome.

Denim is so manly that even when other puny “trousers” have to be trashed due to a squatting incident or because you used your knees as skis while attached to a moving pick-up truck in some bizarre courting ritual, it wears its destruction proudly. In a brazen bout of man-thinking, Denim even sports its tattered remains as a fashion-forward statement of style. Man, that’s manly!

By now you’re probably asking yourself 2 new questions:

  1. How can a fabric be so cool?!
  2. How can I be as cool as Denim?

Answers:

1. When you’re so awesome that you primarily come in one color then make that color Blue (the most male-related hue there is) maybe then you’ll have an understanding of how macho denim can be.

2. When a jean company gives you a catch phrase like “Can’t Bust’em” then maybe you too can be as rough, tough, and badass as Denim Jeans.

16

03 2010

1985 Camaro VS. a T-Rex

Fights are inevitable. Whether you’re standing your ground and protecting your pack or you’re just feeling randy for a bar brawl, if you’re not a wimp, you’ve probably engaged in fisticuffs with some poor sapling who thought he could defeat you. Battling for that #1 spot is an unavoidable occurrence in Mother Nature.

The food chain works like an NCAA tournament bracket. Everything (living or inanimate) is always duking it out to vie for the chance to confront the one decisive ruler: Man. While they will all inevitably lose, it’s fun to asses which creatures would advance farther than others, if for nothing more than our pure amusement.

Today we present two terrifying, albeit inadequate, adversaries:

a 1985 Camaro VS. a T-Rex

T-Rex – Even though his name translates to “Tyrant King” we can overlook his overly- ambitious nomenclature and talk stats. This little guy stands at 20 ft. tall with a 43 ft. length, weighing in at 6.8 tons. In proper manly form, he is a carnivorous predator with a healthy set of heterodontic knives for teeth so that smaller helpless creatures don’t just get eaten but are taught a lesson in consummation prior to swallowing!

’85 Camaro – This muscle car has not only been the supreme choice of white trash America for decades but in some ways embodies the pure definition of macho with its throttle body fuel injection, Turbo-Hydramatic 700R4 four-speed automatic transmissions, and five-speed manual transmissions. It’s also worth mentioning its hatchback body structure gives a stern warning to 3rd-wheelers that there’s no room available except for you (the driver) and a sweet lady-friend riding shotgun. Lastly, this bad boy can smoke its opponents going 0 to 60 in 5.8 seconds in a race. That’s a pretty fast ride.

While the ’85 Camaro is a definite chick magnet, it’s hard to drive a fine lady to make-out point and blasting some KISS to set the mood when your 16-inch Z rated tires have been chewed off and spit out like bubble gum by a Cretaceous beast! Mr. Camaro also loses points for reaching high speeds because a real man doesn’t run away from a fight! Sometimes being a lover instead of a fighter just doesn’t work in your favor.

Winner: T-freakin’-Rex!

10

03 2010

Hangin’ In There Kitten: Quitters Never Win

Although we men are the reason that all things machismo exist in the universe, Darwinian exploits have snuck into other beings in their effort to match us on the evolutionary scale of awesomeness.

Maybe the Kodiak Bear is just trying to not get left in just a cloud of progressive dust as we humans race towards the finish line of total world dominance in order to claim sweet victory over all other species.

Or maybe that Saber tooth Tiger is feeling a little lucky and he wants to test his wrestling skills at the top of the elemental mountain so he can steal our crown.

Whatever the case, one of our duties as King of the Jungle is to give recognition where it is due. Although they will never take our #1 spot as supreme masters of the savage land we must appreciate their attempts nonetheless. Their efforts to retain some semblance of our fearlessness are tiny examples of the monumental accomplishments we burn through each day. And for those efforts we salute them.

Today we present: The Hangin’ In There Kitten. This feral creature perpetually says to the world, “Bring It On. I Can Take It”.

His razor sharp claws grip into that frail bark with ferocity while his tiny feet dangle in the open air, the abyss of failure awaiting him miles below.

Does he quit?

Never!

This feline of defiance emulates Man with fantastical flattery by simply “hangin’ in there”. Not only does he accomplish such a hardship without breaking a sweat but he also has the audacity to look cute while doing it!

The only way this kitten could be more manly is if he injected testosterone into his tiny cat body while eating a steak and growing a sweet ‘stache! Too bad I already beat him to it and accomplished all 3 last Tuesday. Better luck next time, pussy. Oh well. Just keep hangin’ in there.

08

03 2010

IKEA: The Ultimate Challenge of Man

One of the greatest desires for creation is fueled by the excuse to build the unnecessary. Since the dawn of time, man has built constructs that, while glorious in their edifice, merely serve as testimonials to our status as intellectual and physical giants amongst the kingdom of puny creatures. Because they neither allow for convenience nor necessity, it is then that they simply exist for our amusement, wallowing in aesthetics.

The challenge of creation is a tough one, of which not everyone can muster up the manhood to erect a grandiose structure from the ground up. But those who complete such a task stand proud of their masculine accomplishment while hoards of onlookers reach out for a chance to steal a peek at the beaming light that emanates from your great superstructure.

Although there are centralized merchant chains that serve as Mecca’s for tools of creation (all hail Home Depot!), there exists an international mercantile that also invokes our creationist spirit: IKEA.

These Swiss power-heavies challenge us, with every purchase, to decode their cryptic instructional booklets so that we can produce superb architectural feats to reinforce our domestic showmanship, proving, with each completion, that we are truly supreme beings of intellect and motivation. Sometimes they even treat us to the “Macgyver” exercise training course, in which the necessary components for assembly are intentionally left out. We must then use our primitive critical thinking skills to complete the backbreaking task using our own wits and household objects for substitute!

While others try to pass off pre-built “furniture” as adequate purchases, IKEA says to us: You. Man. Go into the world, and build! Find your confidence in your proficient use of Allen keys! Turn your screwdrivers to the right in defiance! You will inevitably complete every task from step 1A to 32G, no matter the cost!

26

02 2010